Sunday, 30 June 2013

Rock Bottom

I think I have reached it.

I have been having therapy for about a month and have had to take a three week break, it couldn't be avoided due to Britmums and my husband going away so no child care, and then my therapist going away, but the bottom of the rock has been reached.

It's hit me just how much I have gone through, the abuse, the bullying, the miscarriages, the marriage break up, this week should be my 20th wedding anniversary and I should have an 18 year old and a 15 year old with me. And this time 4 years ago Joseph still had 3 weeks left in hospital and I remain stuck in the Premmie Game.

I just don't even know where to start. Everything is upsetting me. I was at my best friend's house this weekend and heard a snippet of a song and burst into tears. Painful memories flooding back old ones and more recent ones.

I am so bone crushingly tired but am sleeping ok, I can't imagine sleeping any more than I am doing. I just feel a deep fatigue in my brain and heart.

I feel sad, angry, happy, scared, confident in equal measures. My poor brain feels like a computer working overtime.

My husband is away on a stag do for 5 days and I miss him, and feel angry too. It's a long time to be away on a jolly leaving me with Joseph and work.

I just want to find my happy place and be able to relax a bit and sort this brain of mine out.


  1. Oh sweetheart! I wish I could go over and give you a hug and that would make it all ok. In time, with lots of hard work, it will be ok. *Virtual hugs*

  2. Oh my lovely lady :( You know you can talk to me! x

  3. Oh love, that's a hard place to be. Sending lots of love

  4. I don't even know if there is a right thing to say, but a big virtual hug and that I know I won't be the only person thinking of you right now. What a lot of things to make sense of; anyone would struggle. Hoping tomorrow seems a brighter day xx

  5. oh my darling girl. darling darling girl.

    I am so sorry you are feeling so low. I cannot imagine the pain you are in.

    Know this. You have been suffering for years and this was never going to be a speedy process. But there is a process to go through and to get the highs you have to suffer the lows.

    You WILL get through this. You will. You are amazing. You stood up last weekend and read aloud to 500 people.

    You got a standing ovation.

    Because you are brave and amazing.

    If you want to chat, I am happy to DM you my phone number.

    I love you lots.

  6. :( It's hard enough being on your own for a few days, let alone when therapy is just starting and you are beginning to look at everything that's happened in a different way. Now is the time you need support and someone to stand by and catch you, it's really bad timing. I hope your friend was a good friend when you cried, and that maybe you can go round and listen to that song some more, and not be embarrassed because sometimes that's the right thing to do.

  7. HUGE ((( hugs ))) darling.
    I don't know what else to say but I do know that reading aloud to a huge group of people can take it out of you and bring things to a head. It was a turning point for me.
    Let me know if you want a chat - always here to lend an ear.

  8. Oh lovely, I don't know what to say.

    But I'm sending a big hug and a shoulder that is here if you need it.

    Love you xxx