The elements of my forever journey

So here is the plan

FOOD

* Low GI - choosing slow burning carbs. Goodbye wheat basically. Wheat is my enemy. I will have good bread occasionally alongside a healthy meal.

* High protein - I am concentrating on non meat sources of protein during the day and saving meat for night time. Mainly to keep me away from the shops during the day.

* Loads of vegetables and fruit - I am aiming for 5-10 portions per day. I am making sure I have vegetables at lunch as well as in the evening. Fruit is for flavour and comfort. I love fruit but I can eat too much so I need to keep balanced.

*Nuts and coconut products - my wonderful sister reintroduced me to real peanut butter. No salt, no sugar, as well as other nut butters and spreads. Portion control essential of course, but there are so many things out there to try. I am enjoying using coconut oil in baking and cooking.

* Seeds - linseed (flaxseed), sunflower, pumpkin and chia seeds - anymore I should know about?

I am cutting down on dairy and trying different milks. I am also avoiding cheese for now as I cannot do portion control with cheese as yet. I am sure I will get there but at the moment it's just not going to happen. I am avoiding salt for the most part, in particular processed foods containing salt. I have banned bacon and processed meats for now. I am also avoiding butter. I love butter but I find controlling the amount again pretty difficult so better not to eat it.

I am avoiding sucrose for the most part and trying different sugars in tiny amounts, such as baking treats and on my porridge in the morning.

I am using my slow cooker loads and loads. I am cooking enough for my husband to have for lunch and me to take to work. I am keeping a food diary and tracking my exercise.

I can't afford a gym membership or the time. I am building in as much walking as I can and doing interval running. I am doing yoga and I will get a fit ball soon. Joseph is helping me with my exercise which is great.

I am keeping a photo log on Instagram, and using social media when I feel weak. I figure if I take a picture of what is tempting me I have 8000 of you potentially to tell me to step away from the pastries.

So far I have cheated exactly no times at all nor have I been tempted to.

My food is delicious, filling and nutritious. Everyone is being kind and supportive.

I am still scared, but I am staying strong.

I have to do this.

Forever.

My Forever Journey

Last year in March I totally crashed. Completely and utterly. I wasn't coping at work, my home life was really difficult, everything just seemed hard. My PTSD was full on. Although the voices have never returned, I had a great deal of trouble with other symptoms, endless flashbacks, nightmares, intrusive thoughts, and just not feeling myself at all.

Now I am in remission. CBT, NLP and lots of love and kindness have seen me pull myself together and heal. I have been nightmare and flashback free for 2 months. I haven't had a panic attack in 6 months. It's time.

I am 18 stone 6lb or 117 kilos. My BMI is 45. I went to the GP and asked to be weighed this week. He nearly fell of his chair as I don't look like your classic "obese" person. I have a relatively slim face and arms, all the sins are hidden under carefull chosen clothes.

He said it can't be done and suggested we think about a referral for weight loss surgery.

Nothing inspires me more than telling me it can't be done. I am doing it and I will show him. I have asked to be weighed every month as part of my mental health check up that I have monthly. Seeing as my mental health check up consists of them asking how I am, me saying I'm fine and them writing a prescription it seems jumping on the scales is an effective use of my time and theirs.

I am not against the idea of weight loss surgery per se. I just don't think it's for me. My issue is I am scared of being thin. I hate being slim. I got down to a size 16 in 2006 and hated it, I felt vulnerable and panicky. I put most of the weight back on. If I had surgery I could still cheat it. I could liquidise high calorie foods. I could kill myself doing so.

I have set myself a goal of a year. If I have had a significant weight loss in a year I keep going. If not, I consider weight loss surgery. Significant is 10% so 17 kilos. That's less than 500g a week.

I have started charting my journey on Instagram. My user name is Kykaree you can find pictures of my food and my weigh ins each month.

I will be blogging some recipes, but there's a catch with this which I shall reveal later next week.

I am enjoying it so far and finding it fun!

It's a long road but I will get there, I know I will.