Saturday, 17 January 2015

My Forever Journey

Last year in March I totally crashed. Completely and utterly. I wasn't coping at work, my home life was really difficult, everything just seemed hard. My PTSD was full on. Although the voices have never returned, I had a great deal of trouble with other symptoms, endless flashbacks, nightmares, intrusive thoughts, and just not feeling myself at all.

Now I am in remission. CBT, NLP and lots of love and kindness have seen me pull myself together and heal. I have been nightmare and flashback free for 2 months. I haven't had a panic attack in 6 months. It's time.

I am 18 stone 6lb or 117 kilos. My BMI is 45. I went to the GP and asked to be weighed this week. He nearly fell of his chair as I don't look like your classic "obese" person. I have a relatively slim face and arms, all the sins are hidden under carefull chosen clothes.

He said it can't be done and suggested we think about a referral for weight loss surgery.

Nothing inspires me more than telling me it can't be done. I am doing it and I will show him. I have asked to be weighed every month as part of my mental health check up that I have monthly. Seeing as my mental health check up consists of them asking how I am, me saying I'm fine and them writing a prescription it seems jumping on the scales is an effective use of my time and theirs.

I am not against the idea of weight loss surgery per se. I just don't think it's for me. My issue is I am scared of being thin. I hate being slim. I got down to a size 16 in 2006 and hated it, I felt vulnerable and panicky. I put most of the weight back on. If I had surgery I could still cheat it. I could liquidise high calorie foods. I could kill myself doing so.

I have set myself a goal of a year. If I have had a significant weight loss in a year I keep going. If not, I consider weight loss surgery. Significant is 10% so 17 kilos. That's less than 500g a week.

I have started charting my journey on Instagram. My user name is Kykaree you can find pictures of my food and my weigh ins each month.

I will be blogging some recipes, but there's a catch with this which I shall reveal later next week.

I am enjoying it so far and finding it fun!

It's a long road but I will get there, I know I will.

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